5 hours with Katrina

It was around 1 pm when I arrived in Katrina's office. "Good afternoon, my dear." She said with glee. "I thought I won't be seeing you for a long time?" Is the session starting? I asked myself because she's questioning me already. "Anyway, go on now, have a seat or just do whatever is comfortable for you." I walk around a bit and settled on the carpeted floor, then the questioning began.

Q: So, how was you morning?
A: Pretty rough, woke up with a bandage on my arm. ( I look at my arm and felt the gauze that covers it.)
Q: Yes, I can see that. What happened?
A: I just want to know if I'm still here and if every thing's for real. I think I did something wrong and I deserve to be punished.
Q: How many are they? (Katrina seem to be interested with my injury, but there's no way I'm taking the bandage off.)
A: 50? I guess.
Q: Does it hurt?
A: No. They no longer do. Weird e?
Q: What made you do it?
A: I heard a story from a friend and i grew sad so i made a few, then I had lunch with my mum and she told me a story and i grew sad so i made more. ( I remember being in the bathroom, cracking the razor open and taking the blade off of the handles. My flesh was raw and pale, suddenly it was painted with red.)
Q: This was your fourth as I remember. Tell me about your mum's story.
A: It was about my father.
Q: What about it?
A: The same old story. Him having as many women as he can. Oh how it affect us. Mum wants me to spy on him. I don't know what to do anymore. I was just listening to her, I never spoke...I just want to shut down and the story to be done.
Q: Did it made you cry?
A: Yeah, it did. As soon as she left the room, i shut the door and cry. ( That time i can feel my heart's beating faster and i can feel the want to cry. I lay on the floor, placed my hands on my face.)
Q: Do you want a break?
A: Yes, a break will be good. Can I smoke here? Please.
Katrina said yes. I stood up and went for my bag. Took my cigarette and lighter...went to the window and lit the stick. The smoke runs through my lungs and the beating of my heart becomes normal again. It's getting darker and I'm still far from feeling better. "Are you done? You know, you should cut that habit...but if it soothes you for now I'll allow it." Katrina said with her back at me, she was busy writing notes. I look at my cigarette, the light's almost reaching the filter. I Threw it outside contradicting me being a member of an environment loving group. Walked to my spot and lay with my knees bent. I was playing with the strings on my jacket then Katrina began asking again.
Q: Well...How about your friend's story, what was it about?
A: It was about another friend.
Q: Seem like you haven't got that friend off of your head huh?
A: I think so. He's just swimming somewhere in my brain. I thought every thing's okay if I don't talk about, see, or think of him but it gets worse. I still cry in the shower and it's sucking the energy out of me.
Q: What if you see him? What will you feel?
A: It'll be bliss
Q: And if you don't?
A: Katrina? Am I easy to forget?
Q: Why ask? What do you think?
A: Yes. Someone told me I am and ever since it stick in my head. I am just somebody and will never be some one.
Q: What's the difference with somebody and some one?
A: Well, somebody is a person who can never be special...a part of something that can never be specified while someone is of importance to another but can't be named. ( I look up at the ceiling, it was peach and the glow of the light makes the hue sharper. I felt tears run down my temples. I sat up to fix my shoe strings though it doesn't need fixing, I just want to do something. I don't know if Katrina got my point, but it doesn't matter now, it'll be easily forgotten.)
Q: Are you still in love?
A: What is not getting enough sleep coz' you constantly see a face that can't be erased? What is crying and or feeling happy whenever you hear a news about that person? What is remembering moments when you see a place you've been with that person? What is lying that you're fine whenever asked how are you so that person will not worry? What is trying to take the advice of your friends and in a week or two you're back to missing a part of you that's no longer there? ( I look at Katrina...She try to analyse my questions, I can see it on her face. Then i went back on my shoe lace only to see I've done a complicated knot and now i have to untie it again.)
Q: The feeling of in love doesn't mean that you're so happy you can fly, that is applicable if it is shared by two, however in love can also make you so depress because it is only you feel such. The feeling of in love is unexplainable.
A: I was told that you can never tell that you love someone not unless you've been with them for years.
Q: That's not true...you can say that you love someone once you feel it...remember, love is unexplainable, it's not in the number of years you shared but the moments that define what love is for you... Why? Do you appreciate magic after a year?
I just smiled with that example Katrina gave.
Q: You appreciate it right then while it's being done before you.

The room became gloomy, the walls seem to get closer and closer making it hard to breathe. I place my head between my knees. Water stream down my face, they were like raindrops falling on the carpet. I strip off the bandage from my arm.
Katrina took my arm and look at the wounds. "You said there were 50...it seem to be more." She said, and i don't feel like responding so i took my arm off from her hands and feel the cuts, they seem to sting.

A: I didn't do this...They did it...ignorantly. I don't want attention...I know the consequence of this action. Many times have this situation happen in my life. I never got any apologies. Yesterday a stranger step on my foot and immediately he said sorry. I didn't reply to his apology. That very moment I realized how meaningless a sorry is. It became a simple word we say everyday, like when i broke something. Maybe that's why it is so easy for each of us to hurt the other, because saying sorry is so normal to say.
Q: So...How are you feeling right now?

The room feels empty and the silence drown me...I know the answer, should I deny it? Katrina has been understanding to me no one has shown patience like she did and she knows i'll come back sooner or later.
I lift my head and placed my chin on my knees. I was staring at the painting on the wall. There were red, black and yellow paints...I can see a butterfly, a skull and a grim. With my eyes fixed on that painting, I recall the question in my head..."Yes...How am I feeling this moment?"...

A: ...unexplainable.