I have come to a point where I almost destroy myself for loving someone. Yes it was stupid; did I regret it? No, I have no resentment of what happened and what I did because those times, I'd have to say, was one of the best part of my life and one of the greatest lesson I learned.
I remember, I was having trouble sleeping so I went to the fridge and grab a can of beer...yeah, I have to admit that I was an alcoholic; I can't fall asleep not unless I have either a shot of tequila or a can of beer...then my phone beeped, 1 new message and it was from someone I never thought would text me in the middle of the night. His message were composed of words such as, I can't sleep...thinking of you...and so on; well I never had a boyfriend I only go on dates and fail to go further, I am not choosy...they just either have to go away or they choose my friend over me and so I resigned from the thought of meeting the ideal person that I can build a relationship with and remain single until I was 21; but I was never insecure or felt like there's something wrong with me all I did was to focus with my studying and fooling around with my friends. I am OK, I didn't mind if someone admires me and wants to go on a date; in my head I always tell myself that he is just like Arnold, he will eventually choose my friend over me or he's like AC, he like me and I like him but he has to leave...familial reasons, or like Nick, we just can't be because he was too nice and I was in love with someone else. Well, going back to the 1 new message...I read it, with beer in hand and cigarette between my lips. I laughed at the thought, but there was something different I wanna reply and keep on going with the text communication. So we did until I fell asleep. I woke up feeling light and the communication kept on going until I realize that I am getting in to trouble but I like it.
Did we go for it? Maybe...I don't know...Yes? I got into a situation where in I have the definition of a relationship with the opposite sex but not the term "mine". I was stealing time and affection but it was great. I let go of Nick who was offering me security, that he will take care of me and be proud of me...the problem was I like the trouble I got myself in to and so I ended the date and coffee sessions with him and flee to the other where I have no assurance and know that I will fall head first on the ground...I was called stupid a lot of times but I never mind them...why? "masaya ako e" when you're happy nothing else matters. He's in a relationship and I am in a dream, in a bliss and when he takes me home, kiss me goodnight and leave my place...I cry because I am so happy with something I don't have. Did I pray to HIM? I did...every night, I ask him...give me strength to face the facts everyday...Did I pray that HE give him to me? No...because if I did, I'll be like my mother...and I don't want to be like her. So there I was doing every thing I can do for him "sinusulit ko yung times that we are together" because that's all I have a quarter of the day for happiness and the whole night to cry. Then came the day I fear to come...he suddenly regret entertaining what he felt for me...I was walking along Emerald Ave. that night reading his text message and trying to get a hold of myself but failed and I cried while walking, I didn't mind the people passing by, looking at me...fuck 'em I am sad...I went to the coffee shop and bought coffee and cried at the counter and was given tons of tissue by the nice cashier.
Months past...I couldn't move on yet I know I should...I beg and even tried to offer myself to him but all he said was "madali ka lang naman kalimutan." it was the most painful words I heard...I sat in the pantry of the office with a cigarette burning between my fingers...I couldn't cry, I feel nauseated...I have work to do...I have a deadline but the moment I sat in front of my computer I can no longer see the lines of the dress I was drawing. I know I was crying and everyone's watching. I went back to the Issang I regret to be...I go home without a memory of what I drank last night, I wake up on my bed wearing what I wore in the office with my shoes on, my bag cluttered on the floor and my phone cracked open. Then I'll pull Jose Cuervo under my bed and a shot glass inside my cabinet, I'll greet myself good morning and take a shot or two. I left Manila and went to the province. It was the longest days of my life. I resigned from work because I am no longer enjoying the job, I left the house because my mum ask me to and every waking day I pray for strength and understanding.
Then comes this year...I got to live with a couple of friends, people who have helped me. As what Madz said "90% over ka na...10% na lang." I am happy, I feel good and better. Earlier today, I was in a cab to the office and I felt myself smiling...My heart doesn't feel heavy like before, I enjoyed the shower and dressing up. I even looked at the mirror longer than I usually did and said I love you to God. I no longer miss the taste of tequila on my tongue and even open a picture of my new crush and laughed with Lovely, my officemate. It wasn't easy...I have to hurt myself to understand and be interviewed by a doctor to see if I am normal...but that part of my life made me realize my strengths..."what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and that I was the one giving myself pain and not him...I beat myself and there are people who are more interesting and more things that are fascinating. I have a lot to understand and infect others of the happiness I feel at the present.
Here's the last thing I wrote about him, a song I made and played with a guitar.
Believe me I try to forget your face
Mem'ries of you, I can't erase
It's hard to wake up and know you are gone
Now I'm without you, I have to move on
And I dove from this falls that seems so endless
Though I know you won't be there, I don't care
I'll end up broken, I know and it doesn't matter now
I'll hold on tight to the only thought I have of you
Believe me I try to forget all about you
It's just so hard without you telling me goodbye
All you did is runaway
I know I have to be strong to get by the day
And I dove from this falls that seems so endless
Though I know you won't be there, I don't care
I'll end up broken, I know and it doesn't matter now
I'll hold on tight to the only thought I have of you
And I lay here still waiting
Can't believe that it's over
I watch the darkness closing in me...
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