"kalerkey" station also have substance

We’re meant to lose the people we love…how else do we know how important they are to us? –Benjamin Button

 

Torn between reading an article and the last book of the Twilight series, I suddenly felt a drop of tear run down my cheek. I never felt this stupid, unhappy, and alone since way back who-the-hell-knows. I drop the thick book in my bag and scramble through the pages of the February issue of the magazine on my lap; it was too late when I realized that it’s the Love Month issue I am reading. I stopped at the page where there’s a picture of a beautiful couple, their faces radiating with happiness that I envy them and slowly I killed such thought in my head. I shouldn’t be feeling this now—like a total loser wasting her time reading such article when there’s so much to do—that I am doing fine. I run my fingers on the glossy page of the magazine, took a deep breath and read. You know how those foreign films like…it began. As soon as I finished reading the article, half happy half bitter, I immediately closed the magazine and put it on a desk two seats away from me and went back to reading Breaking Dawn. It was past eleven when I decided to resign from reading chapter thirty-three and decided to go home. It took me an hour to get in an FX going to Fairview, I settled on the passenger seat and paid the driver immediately—I usually forget whether I paid the fare or not—before I let my mind drift away to the things that happened early that day. The driver turned the radio on, he stopped at a station where a DJ was having a conversation with a female caller, and she was laughing at his comments to whatever it was their discussing. I try to reject their annoying voices but when the DJ called her, “ay gaga ka pala e...” something snapped in me that I try to make out what their topic is about that he called her that “…hindi ka mahal nun…” he continued, then she spoke in defense and told the DJ that she thinks his ex-husband still loves her, she kept on going that he’s happier with her than with the other girl. The DJ retorted, “…iniwan ka na nga nya e, sumama na siya sa ibang babae and still you think that way…ano bang proof mo at naisip mo yan?” she didn’t speak instead she began crying. I felt sorry for her. I guess I know how she feels, I was that girl many years ago the only difference is I didn’t broadcast it nationwide that I am in pain, that someone stabbed me, point blank, with a blunt knife and left it there for weeks until I decided to pull it out and let myself bleed in front of my friends. Like her, I was in denial and kept on hoping that person will come back and make things right but that’s bullshit.

 

She struggled to catch a breath between her cries. I wished they would just be over with it but they continued. “You know what?”  The DJ asks, without expecting an answer from her “galit ako sa lalaking iyan…galit ako sa kanya kasi mahal na mahal mo siya pero iniwan ka pa rin niya…galit ako sa kanya kasi sinasaktan ka pa din nya…galit ako sa kanya kasi umiiyak ka nang dahil sa isang katulad niya.” He said with compassion to the caller, she responded with sobs ¾I never thought that a nakakalurkey na station would be that sympathetic with pathetic callers¾ and what made me in awe with the DJ was when he said “give him up, there’s no better way to express how much you love him but to give him up…sacrifice is what love is all about.” Perhaps he’s right…perhaps his wrong…it’s up to us to think which is which because there are questions that can knock you off whenever you’re ready to move on. How can you give up someone you love so much? It’s a matter of strength and courage, but what if the source of your strength is the one thing that you love and hurt you? Well I just want to fuck with your thoughts…it’s really up to how you want to live with your lives.                

break time...

It's 5:05 AM, I'm still up and working, writing, and letting a song sink in my thoughts. Do you have any idea how much damage a song can do to you??? 

When I was little I don't mind what song my aunt was singing, I remember it has lines...I'd do anything for you...I'd play your games... and then she started crying. I watched her cry and cry, she hugged me then she said "don't let anyone hurt you" I nodded though I didn't get it, and now I wish she's still here so I can ask her..."how can I do that?" how can I not let anyone hurt me? Or at least prevent them from hurting me? How can I erase a memory that hurts me even when I'm asleep, when I'm walking, when I'm thinking, and when I'm listening to your song...

Amnesia...people can't make you forget...amnesia can erase your memories and your brain...reset.

Sunday Sessions (1)

It was that down time in July when I first saw her. She was wearing a blue dress and a pair of flip flops. She look out of place but she doesn't differ from us...she's here...one of us...so I thought...
"Any progress in the past week, Mr.Salvatierra?" Jojo, the in house psychologist asked me. I stared at him feeling empty. Progress? In a week? What the hell is he talking about? I can't sleep at night, my body shakes as it craves for the stuff, I am haunted by the ghost I made and Rupert...I still hear Rupert's voice from the ceiling, screaming at me. "Mr.Salvatierra?" Jojo asked again. Suddenly, I felt the carpet beneath my bare feet; I wasn't hallucinating. This is real, I am here on a lock down...stuck in rehab. I muster my thoughts so that I can answer him nicely and as I was about to begin and interruption came in the room, wearing a dress and flip flops. All of us turn our attention to her, she's an absolute out of place and with the look in everyone's faces...I know I'm not the only one thinking that way. She amble to the empty seat next to me, all eyes on her like they saw a glowing object but to me she's no different from all of us in this session. A piece of waste of the society thrown in here by able families either to be kept from the skepticism of their hypocrite connections or they want us to get well because they thought we are sick. She lightly settle on her seat; she smelled sweet, like I was basking in lavender and cherries. I look at her intently...it felt like I met her before...but she's too clean to be any of my acquaintance. She met my gaze and smiled back at me. I know I should feel apathy towards her but her gaze send me to confusion; there's no fear or panic. Her smile doesn't agree with what her eyes are telling me...intense depression were there. She was the first one to resign from the moment we had and turn her attention to Jojo, who repeated his question to me. "Mr. Salvatierra?" He nudge his head and raised an eyebrow at me. "I..." I pursed my lips and tried to relax "...I don't know." I respond and then I rest my back on the seat. The session ended without Jojo introducing her to the group. I was actually expecting to get her name but I couldn't bring myself to ask her. We emptied the room but she stayed. I watch her from the glass doors but she didn't do anything to amuse me, she just sat there with her eyes on the floor."Who are you? and what have you done to get in her?" I whisper the question to myself then, she looked at me like she heard what I just said; then she smiled again, it felt awkward and I step back a little and immediately drop my eyes to the floor. Who is she...

Sunday Sessions (2)

"Who is she?" I heard my rehab mate ask another fellow in their table. "I have no idea, she look clean though...unlike the other chicks here." The fellow with sunken cheeks respond then the two of them laughed. Who is she?...I ask myself as well and dig my spoon in the chocolate pudding and watch it sink. I left her sitting alone in the conference room. She smiled at me, no one does that to me; I scare people but she...she looked at me, like I'm some one worth knowing and I was the one scared and nervous. The guys continue to chat and I sat alone at the corner of the cafeteria. I look outside the window and there she is, her dress in contrast to the brightness of the day and the green grass. She is standing under the Acacia tree wearing earphones, eyes closed and a notebook in her hand. I watch her...she stand still like the scene can be captured and put into a post card. She is not beautiful, but when placed in a crowd she'll be set apart from them. Then came Jojo, approaching her...he tapped her at the shoulder she turn to him and smiled. i watch them more carefully now, he said something; it must have been bad because she suddenly frown then she gazed to the window where I watch them and she caught me. I duct my head...why the hell am I hiding? I felt stupid that I ate the chocolate pudding against my will. I snapped out of myself and look outside the window; she was gone...she and Jojo were no longer there. I felt my heart hammer against my ribs...what I'm feeling the very moment is worse than my withdrawal. I stood up and hurry to the doors of the cafeteria, my hand barely touched the handles when the doors pulled open. She was there...we stood face to face, her head level to my shoulders; she looked up at me. "What's the hurry?" she asked and I looked away. I saw her smile from the corner of my eyes. "Okay...I'm sorry, I should've introduce myself first." she continued, still holding the door open while I'm trying not to have eye contact with her. "I'm Leigh..." she extended her right hand but I ignored it. "...okay, looks like you don't want to be acquainted." she let her hand drop to her side and smiled again "...go ahead, I don't want to stop you from going anywhere." she moved aside to let me pass and ungentle man as I am, I ignored her and hurried out the door. I heard the door closed behind me and I tried to catch a glimpse if she's still there but she went inside the cafeteria.
"Leigh..." I whispered to the walls of my room. What is she doing here, I could've ask that when she introduced herself to me but I'd rather ignore her that time. I sat on the bed...I am somehow thankful for my corrupt father that he's able to get me this private room in this facility...still thinking of my encounter with her. Eaten by the thoughts of her when suddenly I heard Rupert's voice again "What the hell are you doing! What the Fuck! Stay away from her!" I shut my eyes and screamed at him "Get out of my head!!!" but he kept going on until I can no longer get hold of his screaming. I ran outside my room and to the halls, his voice reverberating from the walls when something solid hit my head and everything turned black...

Sunday Sessions (3)

I woke up in the clinic. I try to sit up but my head suddenly sting and made me dizzy that I lay back on the bed and closed my eyes."Why were you running?" a gentle voice said."Shut up!" I respond then slowly, I open my eyes and look at the face of the one who asked me. She pursed her lips and prepare herself to stand up. Immediately, I felt sorry on how I acted. "Don't leave..." I let my words trail off. She paused to look at me and went back to where she was sitting. I couldn't look straight at her; she didn't smile at me like what she always do when she sees me, this time she just sat there staring at me. I sat up to look at her. Her eyes were drowning in sadness, "I'm sorry..." it made me feel bad that I apologized. "Don't be..." she began "...this tears are not meant for you." she held her head up and smiled at me denying the pain she's feeling. "Are you real?" I asked her, she laughed at me. She raised her hand and lightly tapped my cheek."Why? I'm not an apparition or one of your hallucinations..." she replied and laughed again this time I laughed with her even when there's nothing funny with what she said...her laugh is viral. She catch a breath and stopped laughing. "How long have you been off the junk?" I was taken off guard there. I stared at her and she kept her eyes on me as well. I hesitated at first, but I thought she's no different than me...so I shared..."I've only been here for two weeks..." I began "...you? how long have you been off the junk?" she threw me a questioning look. "I'm not a junkee...sorry" I found myself dumbstruck with what she said. Not a junkee?.."...what are you doing here?!" I asked; i must have said it out loud. She jumped a little; her eyes confused with the question. "Do I have to be a junkee to get in here?" she asked me again I felt like a stupid person. I couldn't answer her...she's right...I didn't see it that way. "Well...no..." I began stuttering "...well...why are you here anyway?"She pull out a camera from her bag and took a picture of me, I was surpised and blinked because of the flash. "...what the..." she just giggled and put the camera back in her bag. She stood up and started to walk away..."I guess I'll tell you why the next time I see you..." she said as she walks out of the clinic. She left me hanging on the thought of the next moment we're gonna have...I smiled...I never felt this way...not ever.

Just a ghost

Sitting at the corner of this house full of dancing lights. Watching familiar faces smile then ignore me as they continue to gossip of nothings they don't want me to belong. I felt the chair I sat on, sinking in a limbo of the forgettables. I watch everything I did be washed by the "famous at the last minute" harlequinns. I did the preparations, looked stupid and was dragged down as they claim the finale and...according to the standards of the norms, the last part is always the best. They all stood up and gave them a thunder of applause. "Bravo!" my heart was crushed but as I always am...bowed my head, smiled and applaud with the rest. I let them took the pleasure of being thanked for...was I envy? Partly. I wasn't envy with the applause...I was envy when they received the words "thank you" and got their names mentioned correctly and not some else's. Where's the justice in this? I asked myself as I watch my reflection in the mirror. Silently I wished that like that image, I could trap my pain inside that frame then crush it and watch the fragments fall on the floor.

There was a loud bang on the door, the champ arrived and I watch as the champ settle on the thrown...the champ said something and everyone laughed, I manage to fake it and blend in with the conversation. I couldn't grasp the idea of what I was doing that very instance. Then I was asked to submit the scrolls and the fruits of my harvest and as soon as I was done laying it all before the figure of authority ...the figure thanked me, but mention a name that wasn't mine...

unexpected

I hurry to dress up for work. It's already 8 am and I have to get to the office before 9, I heard Jerric's car as he parked by the gate. I look by the window and waved at him, he smiled. I said goodbye to the fishes who were apathetically swimming in the tank and ran in the pouring rain.

Jerric stepped outside the car and escorted me to his car. It's March, it's suppose to be sunny yet it is raining. I slammed the door and waited for him to get in as I struggle to put on the seatbelt; he hates it when I don't put it on.

We met the traffic jam in c5, I was busy looking for my notepad inside my bag when a loud knock pounded on my window. I jumped and stare at the young girl outside looking in. The window is darkly tinted yet it seem like the young girl is looking straight to my eyes. I stare at her closely, then she raised her right hand holding beads of sampaguitas. She smiled and raised her other hand...and lay it flat on my window. There are words written on her palm, I looked at it closer and read "I'll always be here...". The message sent chills to me. I was to open my window when the car moved and when I raised my head to see th young vendor...she was gone, the streets were full of cars and there's no sign of her. I look at Jerric, my face pale and my hands cold with fear. "What's wrong?" he asked. I shook my head and asked him if he saw the young girl selling sampaguitas. "There's no girl...no one tapped on your window." I felt my heart hammering against my ribs, like it was about to pound my bones to pieces. "are you feeling ok?" he asked again. I said yes but the young vendor's face resonate in my head and the message on her palm..."I'll always be here..."

Wanna hang out?

What comes to your mind when some random person you met at a random instance ask you to hang out with him or her?

I know a lot of you will think that they have a crush on you and that they want to flirt with you and only 10% of 100 will think that they simply want to hang out with you and just that. 

I did ask a random "he" out more than once for reasons that they seem to be nice people to hang out with, they seem to be fun people to add in my circle of friends and to expand my network of friends in facebook, friendster and multiply; some I met in fashion shows, pictorials and in some events I was invited to. Out of 10 only 4 agreed and 6 said they are busy and immediately said that they have a girlfriend. It was funny, sometimes I wanted to reply and say that I am not asking you to have a date with me dude...just see it as the obvious. I still want to keep them in my friend list though they made me sound like I am flirting with them.

A wile ago I was chatting with my uncle...as always he greeted with "ano ate? my boyfriend ka na?" and my default response is "technically speaking...no, I don't" he typed LOL and said that Maybe I should try not to project a strong personality and try to play the game.  Well, I am a frank girl and when I like someone, I say it to his face. I don't mind whether he smile or stay away from me after that...the point is I said I like you and not I want to be with you or even worse...I love you. 

I remember doing that to one of my college friends; we were in this argument and I can't seem to calm him down and he really looked cute when he began doing the suplado look at me that I stare at his face and said "alam mo ba na crush kita?" he suddenly shut up, then stood up and avoided to walk beside me until the end of class. I got worried with what I did that I ask another guy friend what the hell did I do, then his response was "eh ikaw kaya sabihan ng ganun di ka maiilang?" I said no and that I'd say thank you instead. He laughed and said that I am so dense. 

The thing is, I mean what I say the way I said it...you don't have to think beyond and make a hypothesis about it, but then again the stupid thing about my thinking is that I forgot that not all people react or think the way I do, so I end up the one looking stupid; but hey that's the way it is! Though it's a mixture of sadness and happiness when this happens. : P

Wrapped up for the Master Rapper

I just had lunch with my office mates when the news about one of the established rapper/ musician in the country past away. Francis Magalona, just died...our HR personnel told us. My initial reaction was Oh my God!, I dont' have any direct contact with Mr. Francis Magalona which may give questions like "then why the hell am I writing a blog about this?" or "Why do i even care?"...that'll be simple. I am an inquisitive person, I want to know...therefore I listen, I ask and sometimes I gossip and this one hit me on the head. I felt sad and also got affected but let skip that and I'll get to my point.

The news just made me think of the things I have done and haven't done in this life...I had a reminder again of how short life can be. He died of cancer, the worse illness we can get (this is my opinion). Cancer is the sickness that reminds us of how abusive we are to ourselves...for me it is the sickness due to excessive means. I smoke and drink because I thought it is the only way to enjoy and celebrate...6 years ago I was diagnosed with tuberculosis stage 1, good thing my parents are able to sustain and keep up with my medication...3 years ago I had an x-ray and was found that I have lung fibrosis. After that I didn't cry, I said sorry to God for not taking care of myself and also for stepping to "the dark side" and whatever happens to me may it be death due to my previous vices, I am willing to accept; because it's my fault and I don't regret what I did. The only thing I can do now is make up with the things I neglected. I will enjoy life in a positive way, maybe a lil' mischief on the side. There are a lot of things I want to do, but hell! how will I do all of these...I actually don't know as of now...but I'll do it little by little...well! baby steps! My formula in life 70% goodness 20% to procrastinate and 10% mischief!

How about you? Have you spent your life wisely?
I know I haven't but it's never too late to start.

Tattoos

My first tattoo is the Buddha Tara.
Tara mantra-om tare tuttare ture svaha. The goddess of universal compassion, Tara represents virtuous and enlightened action. It is said that her compassion for living beings is stronger than a mother's love for her children. She also brings about longevity, protects earthly travel, and guards her followers on their spiritual journey to enlightenment. White Tara-is sometimes called the Mother of all Buddhas and she represents the motherly aspect of compassion. She signifies purity, wisdom and truth. I got this tattoo just when I got my salary from my first job...I've always wanted to get inked but my parents told me that they'll allow me once I start earning on my own. This took 3 hours...gotta love the pain!


"The mantra Om Mani Päme Hum is easy to say yet quite powerful, because it contains the essence of the entire teaching. When you say the first syllable Om it is blessed to help you achieve perfection in the practice of generosity, Ma helps perfect the practice of pure ethics, and Ni helps achieve perfection in the practice of tolerance and patience. Pä, the fourth syllable, helps to achieve perfection of perseverance, Me helps achieve perfection in the practice of concentration, and the final sixth syllable Hum helps achieve perfection in the practice of wisdom. This is my second tattoo, I got it when I was so depress and also for my birthday...and most of my friends wants to have this tat...I only let one have the design.


It's an uchen symbol (tibetan) read as "Hum". I took it from the mantra "Om ah Hum" A mantra that brings the primal, universal, infinite vibration into one's heart and being, into one's awareness.
"Hum" brings expansiveness, infinity, essence and oneness into the human being. It is the heart chakra. This is my third tattoo...I was depress and I miss the pain and excitement of getting a tattoo. It was February when i got this tattoo. I was just sitting in a coffee shop then I called a friend to come with me and get inked.

5 hours with Katrina

It was around 1 pm when I arrived in Katrina's office. "Good afternoon, my dear." She said with glee. "I thought I won't be seeing you for a long time?" Is the session starting? I asked myself because she's questioning me already. "Anyway, go on now, have a seat or just do whatever is comfortable for you." I walk around a bit and settled on the carpeted floor, then the questioning began.

Q: So, how was you morning?
A: Pretty rough, woke up with a bandage on my arm. ( I look at my arm and felt the gauze that covers it.)
Q: Yes, I can see that. What happened?
A: I just want to know if I'm still here and if every thing's for real. I think I did something wrong and I deserve to be punished.
Q: How many are they? (Katrina seem to be interested with my injury, but there's no way I'm taking the bandage off.)
A: 50? I guess.
Q: Does it hurt?
A: No. They no longer do. Weird e?
Q: What made you do it?
A: I heard a story from a friend and i grew sad so i made a few, then I had lunch with my mum and she told me a story and i grew sad so i made more. ( I remember being in the bathroom, cracking the razor open and taking the blade off of the handles. My flesh was raw and pale, suddenly it was painted with red.)
Q: This was your fourth as I remember. Tell me about your mum's story.
A: It was about my father.
Q: What about it?
A: The same old story. Him having as many women as he can. Oh how it affect us. Mum wants me to spy on him. I don't know what to do anymore. I was just listening to her, I never spoke...I just want to shut down and the story to be done.
Q: Did it made you cry?
A: Yeah, it did. As soon as she left the room, i shut the door and cry. ( That time i can feel my heart's beating faster and i can feel the want to cry. I lay on the floor, placed my hands on my face.)
Q: Do you want a break?
A: Yes, a break will be good. Can I smoke here? Please.
Katrina said yes. I stood up and went for my bag. Took my cigarette and lighter...went to the window and lit the stick. The smoke runs through my lungs and the beating of my heart becomes normal again. It's getting darker and I'm still far from feeling better. "Are you done? You know, you should cut that habit...but if it soothes you for now I'll allow it." Katrina said with her back at me, she was busy writing notes. I look at my cigarette, the light's almost reaching the filter. I Threw it outside contradicting me being a member of an environment loving group. Walked to my spot and lay with my knees bent. I was playing with the strings on my jacket then Katrina began asking again.
Q: Well...How about your friend's story, what was it about?
A: It was about another friend.
Q: Seem like you haven't got that friend off of your head huh?
A: I think so. He's just swimming somewhere in my brain. I thought every thing's okay if I don't talk about, see, or think of him but it gets worse. I still cry in the shower and it's sucking the energy out of me.
Q: What if you see him? What will you feel?
A: It'll be bliss
Q: And if you don't?
A: Katrina? Am I easy to forget?
Q: Why ask? What do you think?
A: Yes. Someone told me I am and ever since it stick in my head. I am just somebody and will never be some one.
Q: What's the difference with somebody and some one?
A: Well, somebody is a person who can never be special...a part of something that can never be specified while someone is of importance to another but can't be named. ( I look up at the ceiling, it was peach and the glow of the light makes the hue sharper. I felt tears run down my temples. I sat up to fix my shoe strings though it doesn't need fixing, I just want to do something. I don't know if Katrina got my point, but it doesn't matter now, it'll be easily forgotten.)
Q: Are you still in love?
A: What is not getting enough sleep coz' you constantly see a face that can't be erased? What is crying and or feeling happy whenever you hear a news about that person? What is remembering moments when you see a place you've been with that person? What is lying that you're fine whenever asked how are you so that person will not worry? What is trying to take the advice of your friends and in a week or two you're back to missing a part of you that's no longer there? ( I look at Katrina...She try to analyse my questions, I can see it on her face. Then i went back on my shoe lace only to see I've done a complicated knot and now i have to untie it again.)
Q: The feeling of in love doesn't mean that you're so happy you can fly, that is applicable if it is shared by two, however in love can also make you so depress because it is only you feel such. The feeling of in love is unexplainable.
A: I was told that you can never tell that you love someone not unless you've been with them for years.
Q: That's not true...you can say that you love someone once you feel it...remember, love is unexplainable, it's not in the number of years you shared but the moments that define what love is for you... Why? Do you appreciate magic after a year?
I just smiled with that example Katrina gave.
Q: You appreciate it right then while it's being done before you.

The room became gloomy, the walls seem to get closer and closer making it hard to breathe. I place my head between my knees. Water stream down my face, they were like raindrops falling on the carpet. I strip off the bandage from my arm.
Katrina took my arm and look at the wounds. "You said there were 50...it seem to be more." She said, and i don't feel like responding so i took my arm off from her hands and feel the cuts, they seem to sting.

A: I didn't do this...They did it...ignorantly. I don't want attention...I know the consequence of this action. Many times have this situation happen in my life. I never got any apologies. Yesterday a stranger step on my foot and immediately he said sorry. I didn't reply to his apology. That very moment I realized how meaningless a sorry is. It became a simple word we say everyday, like when i broke something. Maybe that's why it is so easy for each of us to hurt the other, because saying sorry is so normal to say.
Q: So...How are you feeling right now?

The room feels empty and the silence drown me...I know the answer, should I deny it? Katrina has been understanding to me no one has shown patience like she did and she knows i'll come back sooner or later.
I lift my head and placed my chin on my knees. I was staring at the painting on the wall. There were red, black and yellow paints...I can see a butterfly, a skull and a grim. With my eyes fixed on that painting, I recall the question in my head..."Yes...How am I feeling this moment?"...

A: ...unexplainable.

Leaving the past...Living the present

I have come to a point where I almost destroy myself for loving someone. Yes it was stupid; did I regret it? No, I have no resentment of what happened and what I did because those times, I'd have to say, was one of the best part of my life and one of the greatest lesson I learned.

I remember, I was having trouble sleeping so I went to the fridge and grab a can of beer...yeah, I have to admit that I was an alcoholic; I can't fall asleep not unless I have either a shot of tequila or a can of beer...then my phone beeped, 1 new message and it was from someone I never thought would text me in the middle of the night. His message were composed of words such as, I can't sleep...thinking of you...and so on; well I never had a boyfriend I only go on dates and fail to go further, I am not choosy...they just either have to go away or they choose my friend over me and so I resigned from the thought of meeting the ideal person that I can build a relationship with and remain single until I was 21; but I was never insecure or felt like there's something wrong with me all I did was to focus with my studying and fooling around with my friends. I am OK, I didn't mind if someone admires me and wants to go on a date; in my head I always tell myself that he is just like Arnold, he will eventually choose my friend over me or he's like AC, he like me and I like him but he has to leave...familial reasons, or like Nick, we just can't be because he was too nice and I was in love with someone else. Well, going back to the 1 new message...I read it, with beer in hand and cigarette between my lips. I laughed at the thought, but there was something different I wanna reply and keep on going with the text communication. So we did until I fell asleep. I woke up feeling light and the communication kept on going until I realize that I am getting in to trouble but I like it.

Did we go for it? Maybe...I don't know...Yes? I got into a situation where in I have the definition of a relationship with the opposite sex but not the term "mine". I was stealing time and affection but it was great. I let go of Nick who was offering me security, that he will take care of me and be proud of me...the problem was I like the trouble I got myself in to and so I ended the date and coffee sessions with him and flee to the other where I have no assurance and know that I will fall head first on the ground...I was called stupid a lot of times but I never mind them...why? "masaya ako e" when you're happy nothing else matters. He's in a relationship and I am in a dream, in a bliss and when he takes me home, kiss me goodnight and leave my place...I cry because I am so happy with something I don't have. Did I pray to HIM? I did...every night, I ask him...give me strength to face the facts everyday...Did I pray that HE give him to me? No...because if I did, I'll be like my mother...and I don't want to be like her. So there I was doing every thing I can do for him "sinusulit ko yung times that we are together" because that's all I have a quarter of the day for happiness and the whole night to cry. Then came the day I fear to come...he suddenly regret entertaining what he felt for me...I was walking along Emerald Ave. that night reading his text message and trying to get a hold of myself but failed and I cried while walking, I didn't mind the people passing by, looking at me...fuck 'em I am sad...I went to the coffee shop and bought coffee and cried at the counter and was given tons of tissue by the nice cashier.

Months past...I couldn't move on yet I know I should...I beg and even tried to offer myself to him but all he said was "madali ka lang naman kalimutan." it was the most painful words I heard...I sat in the pantry of the office with a cigarette burning between my fingers...I couldn't cry, I feel nauseated...I have work to do...I have a deadline but the moment I sat in front of my computer I can no longer see the lines of the dress I was drawing. I know I was crying and everyone's watching. I went back to the Issang I regret to be...I go home without a memory of what I drank last night, I wake up on my bed wearing what I wore in the office with my shoes on, my bag cluttered on the floor and my phone cracked open. Then I'll pull Jose Cuervo under my bed and a shot glass inside my cabinet, I'll greet myself good morning and take a shot or two. I left Manila and went to the province. It was the longest days of my life. I resigned from work because I am no longer enjoying the job, I left the house because my mum ask me to and every waking day I pray for strength and understanding.

Then comes this year...I got to live with a couple of friends, people who have helped me. As what Madz said "90% over ka na...10% na lang." I am happy, I feel good and better. Earlier today, I was in a cab to the office and I felt myself smiling...My heart doesn't feel heavy like before, I enjoyed the shower and dressing up. I even looked at the mirror longer than I usually did and said I love you to God. I no longer miss the taste of tequila on my tongue and even open a picture of my new crush and laughed with Lovely, my officemate. It wasn't easy...I have to hurt myself to understand and be interviewed by a doctor to see if I am normal...but that part of my life made me realize my strengths..."what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and that I was the one giving myself pain and not him...I beat myself and there are people who are more interesting and more things that are fascinating. I have a lot to understand and infect others of the happiness I feel at the present.

Here's the last thing I wrote about him, a song I made and played with a guitar.

Believe me I try to forget your face
Mem'ries of you, I can't erase
It's hard to wake up and know you are gone
Now I'm without you, I have to move on

And I dove from this falls that seems so endless
Though I know you won't be there, I don't care
I'll end up broken, I know and it doesn't matter now
I'll hold on tight to the only thought I have of you

Believe me I try to forget all about you
It's just so hard without you telling me goodbye
All you did is runaway
I know I have to be strong to get by the day

And I dove from this falls that seems so endless
Though I know you won't be there, I don't care
I'll end up broken, I know and it doesn't matter now
I'll hold on tight to the only thought I have of you

And I lay here still waiting
Can't believe that it's over
I watch the darkness closing in me...

First Ink On A Blank Sheet

I've always been told by my friends to create my own webpage, that I should get some of my writings on the web. Yes, I do love writing but I hate creating a webpage; I did try to make my own webpage, apparently I am too lazy to read all the instructions on how to make one and whenever I try to create my own background it just appear to be all f' up, plus I am torn between finishing a book and creating a webpage... so I stick with the traditional way... doing all my writings on my "old and about to give up" journal that I kept in a box, in my cabinet in my lola's house. 

Then came Multiply...a wonderful blog page where I can put a lot of pictures and blogs. I did enjoy it... heck I got addicted with it that whenever something comes in my fried brain I'd sit in front of the PC and type away on my multiply blog page but I got busy and distracted with a lot of things that I stopped making new stories and poems plus I didn't think that there will be people who'll read my writing until I saw all the comments of my friends and told me that I should continue... this is one of the simplest things that makes me happy... so the heck, yeah... I'll save a few minutes of my 24 hrs to making blogs and blogging you people! Hmmm... right now I dunno what to put here... so ciao! this is it for now!.. and I'm kind of hungry...