Just a ghost

Sitting at the corner of this house full of dancing lights. Watching familiar faces smile then ignore me as they continue to gossip of nothings they don't want me to belong. I felt the chair I sat on, sinking in a limbo of the forgettables. I watch everything I did be washed by the "famous at the last minute" harlequinns. I did the preparations, looked stupid and was dragged down as they claim the finale and...according to the standards of the norms, the last part is always the best. They all stood up and gave them a thunder of applause. "Bravo!" my heart was crushed but as I always am...bowed my head, smiled and applaud with the rest. I let them took the pleasure of being thanked for...was I envy? Partly. I wasn't envy with the applause...I was envy when they received the words "thank you" and got their names mentioned correctly and not some else's. Where's the justice in this? I asked myself as I watch my reflection in the mirror. Silently I wished that like that image, I could trap my pain inside that frame then crush it and watch the fragments fall on the floor.

There was a loud bang on the door, the champ arrived and I watch as the champ settle on the thrown...the champ said something and everyone laughed, I manage to fake it and blend in with the conversation. I couldn't grasp the idea of what I was doing that very instance. Then I was asked to submit the scrolls and the fruits of my harvest and as soon as I was done laying it all before the figure of authority ...the figure thanked me, but mention a name that wasn't mine...

unexpected

I hurry to dress up for work. It's already 8 am and I have to get to the office before 9, I heard Jerric's car as he parked by the gate. I look by the window and waved at him, he smiled. I said goodbye to the fishes who were apathetically swimming in the tank and ran in the pouring rain.

Jerric stepped outside the car and escorted me to his car. It's March, it's suppose to be sunny yet it is raining. I slammed the door and waited for him to get in as I struggle to put on the seatbelt; he hates it when I don't put it on.

We met the traffic jam in c5, I was busy looking for my notepad inside my bag when a loud knock pounded on my window. I jumped and stare at the young girl outside looking in. The window is darkly tinted yet it seem like the young girl is looking straight to my eyes. I stare at her closely, then she raised her right hand holding beads of sampaguitas. She smiled and raised her other hand...and lay it flat on my window. There are words written on her palm, I looked at it closer and read "I'll always be here...". The message sent chills to me. I was to open my window when the car moved and when I raised my head to see th young vendor...she was gone, the streets were full of cars and there's no sign of her. I look at Jerric, my face pale and my hands cold with fear. "What's wrong?" he asked. I shook my head and asked him if he saw the young girl selling sampaguitas. "There's no girl...no one tapped on your window." I felt my heart hammering against my ribs, like it was about to pound my bones to pieces. "are you feeling ok?" he asked again. I said yes but the young vendor's face resonate in my head and the message on her palm..."I'll always be here..."

Wanna hang out?

What comes to your mind when some random person you met at a random instance ask you to hang out with him or her?

I know a lot of you will think that they have a crush on you and that they want to flirt with you and only 10% of 100 will think that they simply want to hang out with you and just that. 

I did ask a random "he" out more than once for reasons that they seem to be nice people to hang out with, they seem to be fun people to add in my circle of friends and to expand my network of friends in facebook, friendster and multiply; some I met in fashion shows, pictorials and in some events I was invited to. Out of 10 only 4 agreed and 6 said they are busy and immediately said that they have a girlfriend. It was funny, sometimes I wanted to reply and say that I am not asking you to have a date with me dude...just see it as the obvious. I still want to keep them in my friend list though they made me sound like I am flirting with them.

A wile ago I was chatting with my uncle...as always he greeted with "ano ate? my boyfriend ka na?" and my default response is "technically speaking...no, I don't" he typed LOL and said that Maybe I should try not to project a strong personality and try to play the game.  Well, I am a frank girl and when I like someone, I say it to his face. I don't mind whether he smile or stay away from me after that...the point is I said I like you and not I want to be with you or even worse...I love you. 

I remember doing that to one of my college friends; we were in this argument and I can't seem to calm him down and he really looked cute when he began doing the suplado look at me that I stare at his face and said "alam mo ba na crush kita?" he suddenly shut up, then stood up and avoided to walk beside me until the end of class. I got worried with what I did that I ask another guy friend what the hell did I do, then his response was "eh ikaw kaya sabihan ng ganun di ka maiilang?" I said no and that I'd say thank you instead. He laughed and said that I am so dense. 

The thing is, I mean what I say the way I said it...you don't have to think beyond and make a hypothesis about it, but then again the stupid thing about my thinking is that I forgot that not all people react or think the way I do, so I end up the one looking stupid; but hey that's the way it is! Though it's a mixture of sadness and happiness when this happens. : P

Wrapped up for the Master Rapper

I just had lunch with my office mates when the news about one of the established rapper/ musician in the country past away. Francis Magalona, just died...our HR personnel told us. My initial reaction was Oh my God!, I dont' have any direct contact with Mr. Francis Magalona which may give questions like "then why the hell am I writing a blog about this?" or "Why do i even care?"...that'll be simple. I am an inquisitive person, I want to know...therefore I listen, I ask and sometimes I gossip and this one hit me on the head. I felt sad and also got affected but let skip that and I'll get to my point.

The news just made me think of the things I have done and haven't done in this life...I had a reminder again of how short life can be. He died of cancer, the worse illness we can get (this is my opinion). Cancer is the sickness that reminds us of how abusive we are to ourselves...for me it is the sickness due to excessive means. I smoke and drink because I thought it is the only way to enjoy and celebrate...6 years ago I was diagnosed with tuberculosis stage 1, good thing my parents are able to sustain and keep up with my medication...3 years ago I had an x-ray and was found that I have lung fibrosis. After that I didn't cry, I said sorry to God for not taking care of myself and also for stepping to "the dark side" and whatever happens to me may it be death due to my previous vices, I am willing to accept; because it's my fault and I don't regret what I did. The only thing I can do now is make up with the things I neglected. I will enjoy life in a positive way, maybe a lil' mischief on the side. There are a lot of things I want to do, but hell! how will I do all of these...I actually don't know as of now...but I'll do it little by little...well! baby steps! My formula in life 70% goodness 20% to procrastinate and 10% mischief!

How about you? Have you spent your life wisely?
I know I haven't but it's never too late to start.

Tattoos

My first tattoo is the Buddha Tara.
Tara mantra-om tare tuttare ture svaha. The goddess of universal compassion, Tara represents virtuous and enlightened action. It is said that her compassion for living beings is stronger than a mother's love for her children. She also brings about longevity, protects earthly travel, and guards her followers on their spiritual journey to enlightenment. White Tara-is sometimes called the Mother of all Buddhas and she represents the motherly aspect of compassion. She signifies purity, wisdom and truth. I got this tattoo just when I got my salary from my first job...I've always wanted to get inked but my parents told me that they'll allow me once I start earning on my own. This took 3 hours...gotta love the pain!


"The mantra Om Mani Päme Hum is easy to say yet quite powerful, because it contains the essence of the entire teaching. When you say the first syllable Om it is blessed to help you achieve perfection in the practice of generosity, Ma helps perfect the practice of pure ethics, and Ni helps achieve perfection in the practice of tolerance and patience. Pä, the fourth syllable, helps to achieve perfection of perseverance, Me helps achieve perfection in the practice of concentration, and the final sixth syllable Hum helps achieve perfection in the practice of wisdom. This is my second tattoo, I got it when I was so depress and also for my birthday...and most of my friends wants to have this tat...I only let one have the design.


It's an uchen symbol (tibetan) read as "Hum". I took it from the mantra "Om ah Hum" A mantra that brings the primal, universal, infinite vibration into one's heart and being, into one's awareness.
"Hum" brings expansiveness, infinity, essence and oneness into the human being. It is the heart chakra. This is my third tattoo...I was depress and I miss the pain and excitement of getting a tattoo. It was February when i got this tattoo. I was just sitting in a coffee shop then I called a friend to come with me and get inked.

5 hours with Katrina

It was around 1 pm when I arrived in Katrina's office. "Good afternoon, my dear." She said with glee. "I thought I won't be seeing you for a long time?" Is the session starting? I asked myself because she's questioning me already. "Anyway, go on now, have a seat or just do whatever is comfortable for you." I walk around a bit and settled on the carpeted floor, then the questioning began.

Q: So, how was you morning?
A: Pretty rough, woke up with a bandage on my arm. ( I look at my arm and felt the gauze that covers it.)
Q: Yes, I can see that. What happened?
A: I just want to know if I'm still here and if every thing's for real. I think I did something wrong and I deserve to be punished.
Q: How many are they? (Katrina seem to be interested with my injury, but there's no way I'm taking the bandage off.)
A: 50? I guess.
Q: Does it hurt?
A: No. They no longer do. Weird e?
Q: What made you do it?
A: I heard a story from a friend and i grew sad so i made a few, then I had lunch with my mum and she told me a story and i grew sad so i made more. ( I remember being in the bathroom, cracking the razor open and taking the blade off of the handles. My flesh was raw and pale, suddenly it was painted with red.)
Q: This was your fourth as I remember. Tell me about your mum's story.
A: It was about my father.
Q: What about it?
A: The same old story. Him having as many women as he can. Oh how it affect us. Mum wants me to spy on him. I don't know what to do anymore. I was just listening to her, I never spoke...I just want to shut down and the story to be done.
Q: Did it made you cry?
A: Yeah, it did. As soon as she left the room, i shut the door and cry. ( That time i can feel my heart's beating faster and i can feel the want to cry. I lay on the floor, placed my hands on my face.)
Q: Do you want a break?
A: Yes, a break will be good. Can I smoke here? Please.
Katrina said yes. I stood up and went for my bag. Took my cigarette and lighter...went to the window and lit the stick. The smoke runs through my lungs and the beating of my heart becomes normal again. It's getting darker and I'm still far from feeling better. "Are you done? You know, you should cut that habit...but if it soothes you for now I'll allow it." Katrina said with her back at me, she was busy writing notes. I look at my cigarette, the light's almost reaching the filter. I Threw it outside contradicting me being a member of an environment loving group. Walked to my spot and lay with my knees bent. I was playing with the strings on my jacket then Katrina began asking again.
Q: Well...How about your friend's story, what was it about?
A: It was about another friend.
Q: Seem like you haven't got that friend off of your head huh?
A: I think so. He's just swimming somewhere in my brain. I thought every thing's okay if I don't talk about, see, or think of him but it gets worse. I still cry in the shower and it's sucking the energy out of me.
Q: What if you see him? What will you feel?
A: It'll be bliss
Q: And if you don't?
A: Katrina? Am I easy to forget?
Q: Why ask? What do you think?
A: Yes. Someone told me I am and ever since it stick in my head. I am just somebody and will never be some one.
Q: What's the difference with somebody and some one?
A: Well, somebody is a person who can never be special...a part of something that can never be specified while someone is of importance to another but can't be named. ( I look up at the ceiling, it was peach and the glow of the light makes the hue sharper. I felt tears run down my temples. I sat up to fix my shoe strings though it doesn't need fixing, I just want to do something. I don't know if Katrina got my point, but it doesn't matter now, it'll be easily forgotten.)
Q: Are you still in love?
A: What is not getting enough sleep coz' you constantly see a face that can't be erased? What is crying and or feeling happy whenever you hear a news about that person? What is remembering moments when you see a place you've been with that person? What is lying that you're fine whenever asked how are you so that person will not worry? What is trying to take the advice of your friends and in a week or two you're back to missing a part of you that's no longer there? ( I look at Katrina...She try to analyse my questions, I can see it on her face. Then i went back on my shoe lace only to see I've done a complicated knot and now i have to untie it again.)
Q: The feeling of in love doesn't mean that you're so happy you can fly, that is applicable if it is shared by two, however in love can also make you so depress because it is only you feel such. The feeling of in love is unexplainable.
A: I was told that you can never tell that you love someone not unless you've been with them for years.
Q: That's not true...you can say that you love someone once you feel it...remember, love is unexplainable, it's not in the number of years you shared but the moments that define what love is for you... Why? Do you appreciate magic after a year?
I just smiled with that example Katrina gave.
Q: You appreciate it right then while it's being done before you.

The room became gloomy, the walls seem to get closer and closer making it hard to breathe. I place my head between my knees. Water stream down my face, they were like raindrops falling on the carpet. I strip off the bandage from my arm.
Katrina took my arm and look at the wounds. "You said there were 50...it seem to be more." She said, and i don't feel like responding so i took my arm off from her hands and feel the cuts, they seem to sting.

A: I didn't do this...They did it...ignorantly. I don't want attention...I know the consequence of this action. Many times have this situation happen in my life. I never got any apologies. Yesterday a stranger step on my foot and immediately he said sorry. I didn't reply to his apology. That very moment I realized how meaningless a sorry is. It became a simple word we say everyday, like when i broke something. Maybe that's why it is so easy for each of us to hurt the other, because saying sorry is so normal to say.
Q: So...How are you feeling right now?

The room feels empty and the silence drown me...I know the answer, should I deny it? Katrina has been understanding to me no one has shown patience like she did and she knows i'll come back sooner or later.
I lift my head and placed my chin on my knees. I was staring at the painting on the wall. There were red, black and yellow paints...I can see a butterfly, a skull and a grim. With my eyes fixed on that painting, I recall the question in my head..."Yes...How am I feeling this moment?"...

A: ...unexplainable.